this is what sanitocracy looks like

i dont like this picture of me


and i have a thing for fallen/unwanted hamburgers






anxiety anxiety anxiety, i want to write big important things about anxiety but i have so much of it right now about getting to the place i need to be to write those big important things,

YUCK i hate talking about how i cant talk/write/express something, its worse to talk about IT.

like all those indie movies about the tormented artist who has nothing to say and then decided to make a movie exposition of how hes got nothing to say, FINE, thanks for ruining my time.

its not like theres nothing going on its just a lot going on and its exam time obviously because here i am writing instead of doing the things that would calm the anxiety, but no instead i take to drinking and thinking

who am i even writing to, all five of you? hello whats up



either way

right now i am impatient and the homework i have has nothing to do with what im interested in, the interesting essay is done it is being graded AND im submitting it to another prof because well thats a personal story full of more anxiety

its like walking on the verge of success or total failure. i think im either going to be a big deal or a 15 minutes of famer, or not even that, a neonietzche, collapse in my underwear in tears at the sight of a beaten horse and never know that what made me crazy made me famous, or im going to be a nobody but i am being a bit optimistic

i reread my big deal essay though and im doing some structural adjustments and corrections, you know what sucks is when you are writing about something that you havent read a million times somewhere else so figuring out what to say or how to say it is harder. i dont think ill ever be satisfied with that essay, ill just keep tinkering with it and then turn it into a masters thesis and then tinker some more, and then keep driving and driving until i hate what i was thinking about.

ive been talking to the marxist prof and he is having quite a time at defending himself for his phD and the anxiety and resentment that he is going through with the process, very inspiring. a colleague of mine said i shouldnt worry because i have just enough crazy to make it work, GREAT.