microirks

does anyone else stop the microwave two seconds before it is done because you cant stand being beeped at and one beep to stop is a lot better than three long end beeps?

you should see what happens when cars honk at me.

this is what sanitocracy looks like

i dont like this picture of me


and i have a thing for fallen/unwanted hamburgers






anxiety anxiety anxiety, i want to write big important things about anxiety but i have so much of it right now about getting to the place i need to be to write those big important things,

YUCK i hate talking about how i cant talk/write/express something, its worse to talk about IT.

like all those indie movies about the tormented artist who has nothing to say and then decided to make a movie exposition of how hes got nothing to say, FINE, thanks for ruining my time.

its not like theres nothing going on its just a lot going on and its exam time obviously because here i am writing instead of doing the things that would calm the anxiety, but no instead i take to drinking and thinking

who am i even writing to, all five of you? hello whats up



either way

right now i am impatient and the homework i have has nothing to do with what im interested in, the interesting essay is done it is being graded AND im submitting it to another prof because well thats a personal story full of more anxiety

its like walking on the verge of success or total failure. i think im either going to be a big deal or a 15 minutes of famer, or not even that, a neonietzche, collapse in my underwear in tears at the sight of a beaten horse and never know that what made me crazy made me famous, or im going to be a nobody but i am being a bit optimistic

i reread my big deal essay though and im doing some structural adjustments and corrections, you know what sucks is when you are writing about something that you havent read a million times somewhere else so figuring out what to say or how to say it is harder. i dont think ill ever be satisfied with that essay, ill just keep tinkering with it and then turn it into a masters thesis and then tinker some more, and then keep driving and driving until i hate what i was thinking about.

ive been talking to the marxist prof and he is having quite a time at defending himself for his phD and the anxiety and resentment that he is going through with the process, very inspiring. a colleague of mine said i shouldnt worry because i have just enough crazy to make it work, GREAT.

liberal to my left conservative to my right stand up sit down fight fight fight!

another
well dressed
white guy
fixes up his essay

another welll dressed
white guy essay
abdicating the community
he inherited his white guy
credit from

another well dressed white
guy essay
using liberal philosophy
while arguing
he owes nothing
to his white guy past

another well dressed white guy essay
a renaissance of himself
as if he merely had to
think himself into
E X I S E N C E
in the first place
no vaginas no slavery
just an individual:

another well dressed white guy.

player piano

im a player and i play piano, not like i went to piano school i just figured some stuff out a la genius.

here's me going through with my fantasy to have nothing but wine and a baby grand at my fingertips.




photo courtesy of someone else, obviously i cant play piano AND take pictures of me DUH

The exam blog

this is where the magic happens, uh like 3 years ago what a hobo nothings changed. my friend from highschool who got the benz SUV called me hobo in highschool

i blog more when it is exam/crunch time because i have to focus a lot of pragmatic energy at school and the not so pragmatic energy makes me feel crazy i have to put it somewhere. i get easily distracted and the homework is so undergrad, i want to get out of this degree and move ON for gosh sakes. oh well this is my lot i made it, i took a bunch of intellectual basketweaving courses and so i have this extra year on my back but at least i am evading paying back OSAP


which reminds me i have a lot of bills to pay.

some people have graduated and are getting graduation gifts. a friend of mine last year got a mercedes SUV for graduating. some people are getting travel packages as gifts after university.

all i will be getting is my gigantic debt and then more debt because im a moron who is going back for more. its weird to play this intersubjective wishing game, wishing i were a rich kid but then to not get too down on myself i'll pretend i wouldnt be me as i am if i had money, no thats true i suppose but its sad when you have to say things like that to yourself so that you can forget fantasizing about going somewhere exciting after spending 5 years in the city fun forgot.

naw, nevermind wishing i had money i DO have money why do i forget that most of the people on this planet are starving what the,? haha maybe its coz i have no money to visit them.