Menial madness is my specialty

well not really MY specialty.

i read a lot of menial madness truth be told and it is therapeutic in the sense that it probably isn't at all and im sure there is a platoon of psychiatrists and pharmacists who would rather have me stay away from these blogs than go to them and get any ideas or sense of reality.

then again if there was no madness what jobs would they have, they would be just as unemployed as i have been in the past, but like i said good thing i have a job now i am starting to feel like i fit in more and the more i do that the less any of those shrinks have jobs. too bad i am knowing this otherwise i would say i am in full recovery and they could be completely redundant but alas here i am on a beautiful day out-thinking a half-imagined force that bears down on my sense of me, fearing that by thinking about them like this i am making them more useful.

listen its just that i dont want to live in a completely determined universe that's all im probably all kinds of imbalances, how else can you explain near crying and such rushes of pleasure without overly relying on the hormone thing, that cant only be it it was like that my whole life.

sometimes i would wake up when i was a kid and take off my pajamas and feel dirty being naked alone and guilt would consume me so much that putting on clothes even felt cheap because i was to my own knowledge still some lonely naked kid underneath whatever i put on. i also used to make my ken and barbie dolls have sex. the guilt of knowing anything dirty or perverted about yourself makes you your own real and private voyeur.

but if it's between street junkie toothless skeleton face guy and his drug, and some psychiatrist doctorate money control freak disciplinarian and his pharmaceutical, or death plain old death and take neither, i'd take what the skeleton face guy could give me, because unlike the psychiatrist at least with the skeletor the effects of such a thing are all over his face.

From the moment of birth, when the stone-age baby confronts the twentieth-century mother, the baby is subjected to these forces of violence, called love, as its mother and father have been, and their parents and their parents before them. These forces are mainly concerned with destroying most of its potentialities. This enterprise is on the whole successful. By the time the new human being is fifteen or so, we are left with a being like ourselves. A half-crazed creature, more or less adjusted to a mad world. This is normality in our present age. -- R.D. Laing

okay thats all now look at this foto i took its a sunrise